Marilyn May Smithson

I was involved in choir at school (and at church). I enjoyed art. Was very fearful ( resulted in extreme shyness). Didn't get involved in activities too much outside of home. I remember doing the back stroke in a swimming competition once. I also tried to participate in a play as a chorus member. My family did not encourage me so that did not go anywhere. My homelife was very stressful, and unfriendly. It kept me in a very reserved state of mind. I felt unloved for so long and developed a very self-protective state of mind. How do you move forward, and survive? You learn to cope by developing coping mechanisms.

I am now over the fear that controlled my life as a youth and young adult. I grow daily in my walk with God, through Bible study and thinking upon the things of God. These habits have helped me greatly, without which I think I would have given up on life a long time ago.

I loved being active growing up. As an adult, I learned to love downhill skiing, and was very agile. My husband, son and I love to kayak. We have several waterways nearby from which to choose.

I still love to swim. We went to the beach a lot when I was growing up. I loved to swim in the waves until I saw the "Jaws" movie. That relationship ended abruptly!! Now, I go to our gym occasionally; need to get back to it! I was still able to walk on my hands in the water the last time I went.

My favorite shows are "When Calls the Heart" on Hallmark+, "The Chosen" on Prime Video, and "Itchy Boots" on YouTube. I went through the Master Gardener training program through WSU in 2024 and their Green School in 2025. I apply a few of the things I learned in my own garden, and volunteer here and there when I have time. I have been in one major car wreck. Didn't slow me down for too long. A bout with Covid was very severe with much "hair fall," but that eventually dissipated.

In spite of 5 years of chronic bronchitis (cured that!), I used to sing a lot at church (solos); maybe someday I will get back into that. In spite of the lung issues (never smoked), I participated for a time in the Mid Columbia Symphony Chorus in our area. We accompanied a number of artists in classical operettas with the Symphony Orchestra, until we diverged into mainly doing "Handel's Messiah." Loved doing that several times till I could sing it practically in my sleep! I also was a member of the Master Singers for a short time until I realized my lifestyle conflicted with theirs.

Inability to maintain friendships made school hard for me. I was smart, but my home life was very unhappy and squelched my desire to learn. Everyone was verbally abusive to me, and my mom was always on my case about something. It was usually totally undeserved. The stress sucked out all of my enthusiasm and creativity for anything. I felt like I barely made it through to the end of the 12th grade with my sanity! So my grades were very low because I didn't study due to severe depression. I even almost failed English which was one of my favorite subjects! The long vocabulary lists bored me to death. But I love words to this day. English is a fun language to play around with. You could say that I finally found my voice!

I learned later on in life that I could get good grades when I applied myself. I have gained a 3.97 GPA as an ongoing average in all the things I've taken on. When I was working towards getting my RN. I did not continue because I was also helping my daughter through college. I stopped just short of the math requirements for my nursing pre recs. I realize now I should have put off family obligations, and finished my education. My daughter didn't even follow through after that. It was good however to finally realize that I could have made good grades back then had I been happy and motivated.

Both my parents were absent and uninterested in me. So I learned to keep a low profile to keep out of trouble. I did not learn how to make friends until I was an adult. I was scared and became very shy and introverted. My mom divorced my dad due to physical abuse.

I let my art skills go because of ridicule at home. That was too bad because my skills were pretty good. I did participate in choir. That turned out to be a saving factor in my life. It deepened my love for singing, even while I was in the military. I had a turntable and Christian music records that I liked to sing along with. After I married, I participated in trios, quartets, sextets, double mixed sextets, large group choirs, concerts, and more. I even formed choirs at times, and directed them (not that I liked directing).

In school, I had to keep my hair short for so many years. I was told I didn't take care of it, but I didn't know how! My mom never took an interest in showing me how to properly take care of my hair, or my skin or nails for that matter! After high school, I must have rebelled because I have a picture where it was quite long. I kept it long for many years, but have had it cut in a layered cut at times. It's very long right now; am pondering cutting it.. I was just beginning to like my hair in high school. It was somewhat wavy, and had a bad frizzy spot right in the middle of the back of my head! I thought it was mostly because of bad hair products, but I'm thankful to have had healthy hair most of my life. Then, I had covid for two months (Sept-Oct of 2021). Afterwards (strange?!), a lot of my hair fell out (hair fall), and as the hair began to grow back in, the curly area returned for a while in the same spot! Not frizzy this time, but mostly wavy and unmanageable without a curling iron.

Kids have so much stacked up against them! I also had crooked teeth, so was very self-conscious. Braces back then was absolutely out of the question. Mom was a single mom raising 4 children. I finally got braces long after I got married. They were straightened in 1990. Having my teeth straightened really improved my self-confidence. I had thought of becoming an airline stewardess, but braces weren't allowed back then.

I wish I had had the courage to make more friends, but I suppose I didn't because I felt I was ugly. I was told that by my family quite often. Without emotional support at home, how do kids survive? How would my friends be accepted, and would they accept me? My mom and my sister told me that I couldn’t make friends, and they were right, because I believed them! I was very lonely and cried a lot when I was alone. I wish I had understood that I could have sought out a counselor or mentor, but we didn't do things like that in those days.

I had three brothers and one sister. She pretty much ignored me. She preferred to be with her friends. I hung around with my brothers mostly, and became a regular tomboy. I should mention that I made friends easier with boys, than with girls (probably due to my bad relationship with my sister). Anyway, there was this boy in my American Problems class who sat across from me. He was so handsome. I was too embarrassed to speak with him in class, afraid he would notice me and be disgusted. I didn't dare look directly at him. I figured he would think I was ugly (my teeth and my frizzy hair). He was on the football team, I think... Can you imagine being so introverted and having such low self esteem? Ooh, it was painful.

I now find it easier to make friends, but I have learned to be selective. Not everyone who says they're your friend, acts like a friend. My present friends love me and appreciate my sense of humor. I have since grown out of the fear that gripped me as a youth. I am a Christian now, and am content in knowing that I have the best friend anyone could hope for, Jesus Christ. Developing a relationship with God was the best thing, and the most healing practice, that I've ever done. By far, this relationship is the greatest accomplishment in my life. Without Him, I may not have lasted this long in life. He truly saved me. I hope you have a relationship with Him and seek him out daily for guidance and counseling.

It was very hard for me for many years, because I'd never had any counseling or mentoring, which I sorely needed. I didn't know what questions to ask for help and didn't even realize that I could ask any questions (that it was okay to ask!). Once I graduated, I eventually was forced to leave home! That was probably the best thing that could have happened to me, for I needed to grow up and learn how to function on my own away from the negative environment I grew up in. Basically, I believe that God used this experience to help me circumvent difficulties in my later years in life.

Anyway, since I didn’t want to live with relatives, or live on the street, I inquired about going into the Army, and was accepted. After a fairly rough time in Basic Training (due to my poor social skills), I went to the clerical AIT, and became a Clerk-Typist. I was able to travel a bit which helped me further hack away at my ever-present fear. Going to South Korea on a 13-month tour, helped diminish that even further. While there, I began to learn how to become a Christian, which began the change in change in my outlook on life. I began to heal. I met my future husband (he was a medic in a nearby unit) while in South Korea. Later, I got a 3-month early out (we could get that in those days) from the Army after we got married, and we lived in Texas (where he was from) for 5 years. While there, I got my LPN certification with the last part of my GI Bill. Again, out of fear, I waited till it was almost gone before I inquired about getting an education. Then I didn't even choose a career in something that was suited to my temperament. I let others choose for me. Ugh! But nursing was not all bad; just not the best choice for me.

I became pregnant with our son Eric before I got out of college, and we moved back to the Northwest (where I was from) while he was still a young child. We had another child (Kimberly) who was born with some complications, and died before her 4th birthday. A whole 'nother story could be written about this time period. Sarah came along two years later, while I worked full and part time as an LPN. I became a home-school parent, and did that until life prevented me from being able to do that in full capacity, and they entered public school, to my complete chagrin. My kids are now grown. My son has two kids. He is divorced and lives with us (he has PTSD which he acquired due to hardships he experienced as a soldier in Iraq, twice). I have two grandkids from my daughter who is divorced.

My husband worked full-time as a Planner, but retired too soon. They laid him off involuntarily when he got to a certain age.. 🙃 We endured extensive layoffs over the years which did not help. We have been married over 52 years. Staying together that long requires a tremendous growth curve! Both of us have learned much patience, forgiveness, perseverance, forbearance, long-suffering, etc. Applying principles of gentleness, charity, kindness, purpose and faith have helped us survive the many hurdles that life throws at us continuously. You don't learn how to forgive, or how to be patient unless you have something trying it (if you know what I mean). 😏🙄

We garden a little together. He built me 7 planter boxes of varying dimensions (some large). We bought good soil, put enriched soil on top of that, and prune or weed as needed (definitely needs it now; yikes!). He put in the sprinkler systems which got us under way. I plant almost everything, feed it occasionally, and we both harvest. He cans. We both freeze and dry some of it. Gardening really keeps me busy, but is a very helpful resource to help with sustenance!

Lastly, my main activity nowadays is Content Creation on YouTube. I find it very difficult to gain a following because I don't choose to be do podcasts or facetime. My videos are mostly faceless. So until I do something else, it is just a glorified hobby. But I like it and will keep making videos as I have time; and it takes lots of time. If you haven't figured it out by now, this blog is my way of keeping a journal. I may incorporate my thoughts into a video on YouTube one of these days. See ya!

They were in Downey, California. I moved to Medford before my Senior year. Downey Senior High School; John Muir Junior High; 68th Street Elementary School. We moved a lot around LA when I was a child.